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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Vinegar and Whine

So I have dandruff.  Yup. It's gross.  I have tried different prescription shampoos and creams, and only one solution is effective in the long term... apple cider vinegar. I squirt it on my head after conditioning in the shower and BAM, dandruff gone. Sounds simple... but nothing in my world is simple. My dandruff solution has gotten me voted off the island at my gym, and it's about to get me blacklisted from another.  I really wish I was making this shit up, but I'm not.

I use it in the shower, and apparently, the smell is bothering the new cleaning lady.  She puts a lot of effort into spreading her phthalate-ridden synthetic cleaning products all over the bathroom, and then I come in and shower with my vinegar and ruin it all. I came to the gym a few weeks ago, and right in the *very spot* that I always stand to dry my hair was a printed and framed sign, "please refrain from using any vinegar scented products in our locker room -Staff."

Yes, because when I went to Bath and Body Works to buy my scented products, 'Cucumber Melon' was all out so I selected my second fave, 'Pickle Salad.' Wouldn't anyone?

No, really what I did was drive straight to the hippie store for some essential oils to drip into The Vinegar to cover up the scent.  A few days later, I checked into the gym, and this happened:

 Front Desk Chick: Hey.  Aren't you the girl who uses the vinegar products in the locker room? Well you're going to have to stop.  You aren't allowed to use products with that scent here anymore.  You can use them at home, but not here.

       [Pause: Here is where I would normally crawl up into the fetal position until the beating was over. Luckily, I had just dosed up with some Xanax, ie. chemical-courage, and so it played out a little differently.]

Me: Well, you know, it's not like I think that smelling like a pickle salad will bring all the boys to the yard.  It's a perscription rinse for psoriasis, I can bring in a script if you need me to (shut-up, a lil exaggeration never hurt no one).

FDC: Well, all I can do is give you a verbal warning as I was instructed to do by our assistant manager.  You cannot use it here.

I then spoke to the Gym owner/manager together with the assistant manager. They expressed their frustration towards the staff,  " We never know what other people are going through. Here they thought you were just using vinegar scented products and now we find out it was for a medical reason." They advised me to keep doing what I needed to do and using The Vinegar, and assured me that they would talk to staff and work it out on their end.  Dammit I should have chosen the Cucumber Melon scent.  I knew it.

A few days later, the anti-vinegar campaign  signs in the locker room had multiplied.  I put in my notice there,  and began to gym shop.  I found another place in town that seemed nice, and decided to be proactive.  I asked the assistant manager who gave me the tour about using The Vinegar in the bathroom.  I gave her the backstory, mostly because I felt like she needed some great dinner conversation with her spouse.  I mean how often does someone come into your gym because their current gym is rallying against their pouring vinegar on their head, and they want to be sure they can bathe in vinegar in *your* gym without repercussion. She said she wasn't worried about the vinegar at all, and that she could think of much worse.  I agreed.  We seemed like friends.  I was excited.

Today, I got a phone call from that new gym's owner/manager.  He would like to meet with me, tomorrow, in the ladies locker room.  He requested that I bring my vinegar and that we pour it down the drain together, so that he can see how bad it smells to be sure that it will not be causing problems at his gym.

Take a minute, and let that sink in, ladies and gents. Tomorrow, I am meeting a man in a ladies locker room, to pour The Vinegar down the drain with the shower on, nice and steamy, and be sure that I don't smell too offensive to be a member at his establishment.

I told him that it is just apple cider vinegar... We all know how that smells.  But still, he insisted on our little science experiment date and formally meeting The Vinegar.

I'm considering taking on a Scottish accent that day, wearing leggings and boots and a green shirt, and exclaiming, "Get out of my swamp, Donkey!!!" as I pour out The Vinegar.

That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.